Flying the Union Mohammed - Jack’s not all right

Fri, 29/03/2013 - 11:00
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By Man of Kent -Jack is a fine old English Christian name. Originally a diminutive of John, during the Middle Ages it was so common it was used as a general term for ‘man’ or ‘boy’.

A remnant of this is in the saying, ‘Every man Jack.’
This omniscience is still reflected in fairy stories, nursery rhymes, aphorisms and proverbs. It permeates the English language.

Even street ice-cream vendors in the late 19th century were called ‘cream ice Jacks’, though they were more likely to be named Giacomo.

Oscar Wilde declared the name Jack ‘has no music’ and used one young man’s efforts to change it to Ernest as the plot for his most famous play.

But parents obviously disagree. It has remained the most popular name for baby boys in Britain, taking top spot for at least the last 13 years, when records began.

Experts say that the enduring appeal of the name Jack is because it sounds trustworthy. ‘When we do our research, mothers tell us Jack suggests honesty, trustworthiness and hard work.

A Jack will be popular and have a strong character, but he will also be good,’ said Faye Mingo, who compiles the research on names for, a parenting club.

In the last couple of years however a strong contender for top place has emerged - Mohammed.

In its various spellings, it has taken the name of Islam’s prophet to second place.

The implications of this are dire. The Islam ideology being Stalinist, as soon as the imams get absolute power in England all challenges to the dominance of Mohammed as the main English name will have to be destroyed.

Like Stalin’s perceived enemies, the name Jack will be erased from history. Just as Stalin issued decrees to change history as it suited him, so the imams will pronounce a fatwa banning Jacks.

Text books will be burnt and re-written.
We are already re-writing our history and changing our customs to please the ethnics. In 2000 the Commission on the Future of Multi-Ethnic Britain published a report that asked for Britain to be declared a multi-cultural and ‘multi-faith’ society, by which it seems they meant a multi-racial society with no special acknowledgement being made to the British.

The right of Anglican bishops to sit in the legislature is now called into question, while the terms of the monarch’s ancient coronation oath, in which the new sovereign pledges to maintain the laws of God and ‘the true Profession of the Gospel and the Protestant Reformed Religion Established by Law’, are under debate.

Prince Charles has already said that when he becomes king he wants his subsidiary title to be changed from ‘Defender of the Faith’, originally a 1521 papal bestowal reflecting the sovereign’s position as the head of Christianity in England, to ‘Defender of Faith’. He said he hoped to be the defender of all faiths.

The original Latin phrase, Fidei Defensor, is referred to on all current British coins by the abbreviation F D. The Royal Mint’s decision in 1849 to omit reference to the phrase from the ‘Godless florin’ caused such a scandal that it was re-instated.

In 1953, while still a dominion of the Commonwealth, Pakistan dropped the title in recognition of the contradiction between its overwhelmingly Muslim population and having a monarch as the defender of the Christian faith.

Like all children everywhere, the future children of England will be raised on fairy tales. The Koran will naturally be the main one, being almost nothing but fairy tales, but they will also listen spellbound to the gripping tale of Mohammed and the Beanstalk.
They will sing two nursery rhymes that have their origins in Somerset.

Little Jack Horner, who put in his thumb and pulled out a plum, is said to be based on a man of that name in the 16th century who conspired to have the Abbot of Glastonbury hanged for treason, after which he acceded to his manor, the plum in question.

Despite this historical background, he will have to be renamed Mohammed Horner.
Another Somerset legend sets the story of Jack and Jill in the village of Kilmersdon, where to this day there is a Jack and Jill Hill.

Why anyone would sink a well at the top of a hill, and how you would draw water from it, are questions in need of answers, but anyway children will soon be singing about Mohammed and Jill going up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

They will also chant the rhyme about how Mohammed Sprat could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean - so, between them, you see, they licked the platter clean; and every evening before going to bed watch the popular children’s television programme Mohammedanory. When they are behaving naughty their parents will tell them to ‘Mohammed it in’.

As they enter puberty it will increasingly be a case of ‘I’m all right, Mohammed’ and ‘Up ladder, Mohammed, I’m on board’ and in adolescence boys will be rebuffed by girls who will tell them to ‘Hit the road, Mohammed.’

The flash ones among them will be known as Mohammed-the-lads. Many will naturally be interested in football, and want to know all about the famous players of the past, such as Bobby and Mohammed Charlton and the Newcastle United legend Wor Mohammedie Milburn.

They will also learn to drive a car of course, and to do such necessary things as change wheels, how you need to mohammed up the vehicle with a mohammed that you could buy in Halfords.

If the puncture happens in freezing weather they will curse Mohammed Frost. Anyone good with his hands in general will be known as a Mohammed-of-all-trades.

They will learn all about wildlife, recognising such common birds as the thieving mohammedaw. On being offered something they do not want they will say, ‘Poke it up your mohammedsie.’

Villages will have to be renamed. A Devon village just outside Exeter will become Mohammed-in-the-Green, and a Scottish village south of Glasgow will be Mohammedton.

Though the reigning imams will have to be careful when it comes to English history and its many revolts, schoolchildren might read a version of such events as the great insurrection of 1450 and of its leader, Mohammed Cade.

The Victorian serial killer in London’s East End might warrant a paragraph, the notorious Mohammed the Ripper.

But if members of the recent Labour government are hoping for a favourable mention in these history books, to be commemorated with honour by the triumphant Muslims because it was they who allowed them uncontrolled entry in to this country, where, urged on by their religious leaders for political reasons, they multiplied at ten times the rate of the indigenous people, they cannot rely on it. The man who more than anyone else was responsible will be deprived of his identity, erased from memory, falsely known to a country governed by artful theocrats as Mohammed Straw.

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