Blackbird reports

Thu, 29/11/2012 - 22:10
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On Thursday 29th Blackbird swoops into the Commons to observe all the biggest fattest piggies eat at the trough of eternal piggy happiness.

Oliver Colvile, Stephen Hammond and Brian Donohoe all rush to be first at the trough today with important questions that get lost in the sound of slurping, gulping and guzzling.

My these piggies really enjoy today's tasty swill.
Jim McGovern asks about the railway line from Aberdeen to London.

Simon Burns, Transport Minister does a pirouette (been practicing his ballet) and announces electrification will cut the journey time by 15 minutes.

Louise Ellman wants access to the impending West Coast main line report. Don't we all cries Blackbird.

Maria Eagle complains about government dithering. Blackbird agrees; let's have a referendum on leaving the EU.

Edward Leigh asks what improvements to transport in Lincolnshire is the Secretary of State for Transport planning?

Improved access to Immingham comes the prepared reply.

Kate Green wants 20mph speed limits imposed everywhere, but one gets the impression that if it was up to her we'll soon have a man with a red flag walking in front of cars again!

Jim Fitzpatrick, Labour, wants targets reintroduced to reduce road deaths which last year were 1,790.

Graham Morris wants to know how many carriages will be operating on the East Coast main line. Norman Baker waffles.

Oh it's all fun this morning in the parliamentary trough. Nice flavour today says Jeremy Corbin.

Patrick McLaughlin Transport Sec tells us the House recycles 52% of its waste but Blackbird wants to know when will it start recycling all the duff MPs cluttering up the trough.

Andrew Lansley tells the House he is not going to be a Sir Humphrey from Yes Minister but it is clear to Blackbird that he is watching Sir Humphrey as Lansley speaketh. Hey nonny no.

Bob Blackman announces the success of free schools. Sir Humphrey agrees.

Valerie Vaz is concerned about safety of railway crossings. But what about the safety of our national borders you old crone.

Much waffling followed by much more waffling.

£110 billion being invested in electricity generation in the coming 10 years says Ed Davey.

Lots of low carbon waffle and green targets. Swine sharpen their teeth at prospect of ripping off the public through the global warming con.

Caroline Flint wearing a raccoon outfit of black and white horizontal rings states that this government just lurches from one crisis to the next.

You need brains for this sort of comment? No wonder Labour are finished with this sort of shadow minister.

It goes on... and on... would have won a gold medal at Olympic obfuscation.

Scotland and the Union debate.
Pete Wishart turncoat and traitor has his sporran on today and is supporting that Guy Fawkes of the Union Alex Salmond.

Tom Clarke observes that the SNP are living in a fantasy Disneyland regarding Scottish independence.

Salmond is leaving the UK to join the EU and must be mad. No Tom he is a congenital idiot.

Frank Dobson points out under current projections oil revenue will be only 20% of present day income in 30 years time, and gas revenue just 12%. So no money to run your independent Scotland Salmond.

John Robertson points out Clyde ship building will be finished.Russell Brown says 18,000 defence industry jobs will be lost.

UK spends £35 billion on defence but Salmond will be arming an independent Scotland with a £2.5 billion pea shooter so they will be stuffed if Argentina claims Scotland is part of South America.

Don't expect the UK to pull you out of the mire Salmond. Doom and gloom reigns supreme. Salmond's funeral march...

Basically House says by 334 votes to 5 that Scotland is better off in UK than out. Easy-peasey that one. Dunces hat for Alex, naughty boy stand in the corner.

Main business Leveson Press Enquiry. House fills with all the biggest snouts. Major Domo pigs line up to get their front trotters in the trough.

Camoron says there are three issues:

1. Press and police relationship which is far too close.

2. Press and politicians which (clearly conveniently) is not as bad as was insinuated re News International and Conservatives (Camoron snuffles happily at the trough)

3. Press and public where the press has been reckless and irresponsible.

Camoron has decided there should be no legislation to control the press. Too difficult and too dangerous. Needs careful thought. Waffle.

Who has had a go at Camoron?
Waffle waffle cross party talks on Leveson gulp gulp that's another crate of champagne gone folks.

Government is not going to implement Leveson and every excuse this rotten corrupt bunch can think of comes out of their puerile brains.

Sir Peter Tapsell hates Australians and wants all newspaper owners to be British.
Simon Hughes says it is essential there should be regulation.

David Davis says caution is good. (Well that's the three pints we agreed upon Camoron to Davis.)
Tim Farron wants the Irish system of press regulation but Blackbird knows a fudge when Blackbird sees fudge. Leveson is now in the long grass.

Peter Bone raises a point of order and seeks to adjourn the House but Bercow will have none of it.

Nick Clegg agrees with Camoron better to go for a few bottles of champers. At 16.55 all the longest fattest snouts have cleaned out the trough and clear out of the chamber.

Blackbird flutters off disconsolately.

Looks like Camoron is back in bed with the press again.

Oink oink oink as piggies tend to say...

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