Blackbird in Parliament

Thu, 20/12/2012 - 22:00
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Flying through a rain sodden London Blackbird takes shelter in the House of Common Pigs.
Another day another trough of swill and the porkers are in jovial mood as it is the last day of term before the, much snorting and stamping of trotters, Christmas break.

Bercow porker clearing is suffering from a hangover as he is ashen grey and slow witted. Too much sherry in last night's swill clearly.
Willets pig lurches drunkenly about the trough.

Nic Dakin taps a trotter on the trough: we need to regulate debt management companies better.

Bill Esterton mentions the Comet disaster where hundreds are made redundant just 5 days before Christmas.

Andrew Lansley has his best trotters on and announces next year's business: January 7th Trust & Income Bill, Gender balance in management; January 8th Welfare; January 9th etc etc.

Lansley pig is taking life seriously. Gulp, he swallows another mouthful of sherry swill.

Angela Eagle sow mentions food banks in reply. In 21st century Britain people should not be struggling to feed themselves. Oink. 250,000 people need food banks. How out of touch are the government. Oink.

Eagle recommends Economics For Beginners as a good holiday read for Osborne.
Slurp oink and Natasha Engel looks up. Merry Christmas.

These Marxists are really getting into the seasonal oink spirit.
Peter Bone wants confirmation that the Bill redefining marriage will be heard before January 28th. Lansley porker confirms it will.

Therese Coffey mentions the lack of flags flying in Ulster.
Anne Macintosh wants a debate on flooding. "Easy" screams Blackbird, "don't build on flood plains".

Andrew Jones wants a debate on apprenticeships. Lansley porker says £1.5billion spent this year, oink, and one million started on apprentice schemes.

Minister of State for Health makes a statement on Thalidomide patient care. Norman Lamb says an £80million grant over ten years will be given to the Thalidomide Trust in England.

The consultative group of thalidomiders are in the stranger's gallery. They nod approvingly. They represent the 431 survivors and seem very happy with the announcement.

Tim Yeo, super porker, leads a debate on Energy, or rather the lack of it as most low income people can no longer afford it, no longer trust the power companies and have given up on their utterly useless politicians who have rigged the market so taxpayers get ripped off left, right and centre.

The swine chorus lilts: Rip off, rip off, rip off and all that prof prof profit for us. Oink shuffle grunt grunt...
Yeo super porker taps a trotter in time with the rhythm.

Of course it doesn't affect me, whispered Yeo porker, as I got £80,000 in consultancy fees last year tee hee oink oink oink.
Offgem is useless shouts Yeo. Useless, useless, useless the swine choir churps.

Well more of a gobble as it’s a bit difficult for pigs to churps or is that chirp? Oink.
Andrew Bingham complains there are no longer any ambulances in Derbyshire.

Keith Vaz announces he has diabetes type two and demands the government spend next year's budget on finding a cure just for him.

Chomp chomp slurp gulp but no other porkers are listening.
Debate on transport. Why has the government given the new rolling stock contract to Nazi U-boat manufacturer Siemens?
Much huffing and snorting about Bombardier.

Chris Williamson blows his trumpet for Derby.
Simon Burns transport porker says Southern has given Bombardier an order for 40 rolling stock with a follow up, snort, for another 116.

David Amess porker, 30 years of inept parliamentarian porker announces his Christmas wish list. Reform freedom of information to show who is making the enquiry; stop executions in Iraq; electricity companies are useless liars and cheats; postal vote fraud must be dealt with; 1 year learner period for drivers; prohibit loan sharks.

Oink this piggy has a longer list but Blackbird's quill isn't long enough. Interesting piggy this one but sadly he climbs back in the swill.
Craig Whittaker mentions Chernobyl and wants government help to continue to help affected children have holidays.
Bob Stewart says we have lost 438 dead and over 2000 severely wounded in Afghanistan.Slurp...time for us to withdraw Bob.

David Lammy, illegal immigrant, says the police are closing up shop in Tottenham and there will be no police presence. "So what happens if there is another riot", he asks. Run for it? Slurp.

Go back to Africa and take your rioting friends with you. Slurp.
West Country in state of flood alert says Steve Gilbert. Oink slurp the porkers look confused as they stand in the last of the Christmas swill.

The swine chorus finally burst into snorting. God rest you merry pork porkers, let nothing you dismay... Sir Bob Russell and Charlie Elphicke join in. T'was on a Christmas oink oink snort oink...

The trough collapses from the combined weight of forty three porkers and swill swamps the chamber floor.
Deputy pig of the house sings goodbye and Merry Christmas and the porkers roll on the swill soaked carpet gleefully. Oink oink.

Blackbird leaps into the rafters and flies nonchalantly out through a skylight. Too many oinks spoil the swill.

And away through the Westminster night as the great and the not so good roll up for the Westminster Christmas ball.

Merry Christmas screeches Blackbird.


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