By George Ashdown -How long is it now you have been shouting abuse, derision and insults at him? Thirty years? Twenty? It doesn't matter exactly but it is a long time.
And in all this time has he even stirred from his slumber? Not so much as you would notice. Maybe he shifted a foot or stretched an arm to get more comfortable or rolled over once or twice so he could scratch an itch or swat a fly.
Either this giant is deaf or you have not been shouting the right words. Whatever, this giant still slumbers on.
Maybe shouting is a waste of time?
Perhaps this giant thinks your shouting is a sweet lullaby meant to send him off into deeper depths of sonorous slumber. Maybe in giant-language your screams and shouts of doom and gloom are nothing more than a sweet song like the tinkling of rain on a window pane or the rustle of autumn leaves in an evening breeze.
Is the average giant really that interested in threats of gloom and doom? Err...no not really as far as can be determined. More generally they seem to be interested in blood, mostly drinking it or similar. E.g. "Fee Fi Fo Fum I smell the blood of an Englishman!" seems to be more in their line of thinking.
I mean, how many buckets of blood have you offered this giant? None? Well there you are, see! You have not been thinking like your average giant have you? Silly you!
In most giant stories though there is gold. I mean gold is a major factor in the world of giants, though sometimes there is a pretty young girl. You know: blonde, blue eyes, sweet and innocent - the little red riding hood type!
You get it now, giants are just bigger red blooded types that like to collect gold and similar sort of stuff.
And you know what? Yeah, everyone is trying to steal the gold or some handsome young bloke on a fancy thoroughbred horse, is trying to steal the pretty young damsel and prove he is fit to become her prince and husband!
Dodgy business being a giant with everyone after your girl and gold. And you still wonder why your rather unfriendly giant seems to be making a habit of ignoring you? Are you thick or something?
While you may not be able to do much for your giant's predilection, (if you're a police censor, go buy a dictionary), for young attractive blue eyed blondes, there is something you could do about the gold.
You know just like everyone else that there are just not enough blondes to go round, not even now there are bottles or sachets of blonde hair dye from chemists and supermarkets.
So you just have to face the fact that you have to do something about the gold.
Hey man, don't look so worried, you are not going to have to give your personal chest of gold to our slumbering giant, though it is a thought.
No, all you have to do is slip a few extra gold doubloons or gold sovereigns in this giant's direction and I bet he soon wakes up. "Hey! Is that more gold for me? He Hi Ho Hum I like gold gimme some!" And he'll continue "Now!" in his loudest, most greedy, most commanding voice.
You know how hob-goblins drool and leer when they have stolen some meat?
Well that's how your giant will look, only because there's more of him he will be bigger, the drool will be more like a river so don't forget your wellingtons, his eyes will shine like two greedy moons (or three sometimes) and he will be up and ready to grab what he considers to be his rightful share of the gold.
That, according to the "as much blood as you can drink" philosophy, is all of it.
So the next time you go out amongst your sleeping giant trying to make life more comfortable for him tell him about all the gold he will get when you introduce British National Party debt free currency.
Explain that because we will only issue enough currency to trade goods that exist we will never have to pay interest and so taxes will be a quarter that they are today.
Tell the giant that there will be neither inflation nor deflation and there will be no poverty or homelessness because everyone will have work.
You get this message across and our giant won't be the only one to wake up. It is the cash in your pocket, the economy that this giant is most interested in.
He'll be able to think about the jingle in his pocket and that's a song that will wake him from his slumbers.
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